GOAL: To explore personal issues and questions related to long term relationship commitments.
WRITING COMPONENT: Copy the questions below and then answer them in order (highlight your answers in red). If you are unsure about a question, discuss what you think would be optimal (and realistic).
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS:
Would you insist on a “legal” marriage or would you be willing to just “live with” your partner?
Will you have a pre-marriage/pre-live-in contract dividing your assets should you and your partner separate?
NAME:
In a marriage, should the wife take on the husband’s last name, the husband take on the wife’s name, both take a hyphenated name, both a new name, or both keep their own names?
If there are children, what will their surname (last name) be?
BIRTH CONTROL, AIDS & SEXUAL HISTORY :
Will you talk about these issues? Why or why not?
If yours is a heterosexual relationship, what kind of birth control?
Whose responsibility?
What is your view on abortion? Would you consider one if you or your partner had an unwanted pregnancy?
HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:
Who does the cooking?
How is the cleaning divided?
Who will keep track of the finances?
LEISURE TIME:
Should evenings and weekends be spent together?
Who decides what to do? When?
Should vacations be spent together? With children? Separate?
Girls’ or Guys’ Nites Out?????
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:
Where will the couple live? (location)
In what type of housing will the couple live? (house, condo, apartment, etc.)
What kind of privacy do you want? your partner?
Shared bedroom?
If there is an extra room, who gets to use it and for what?
Do you want to live with others?
Who sleeps on which side of the bed?
Bed sleep/awake times-morning person?
What will you and your partner do if you want to live in different places because of jobs or for any other reason?
SEXUAL RIGHTS:
Commitment to monogamy? Discussion of expectations?
Who initiates sex?
Is either partner free not to respond? If so, have you discussed how this will be done?
MONEY:
Will both partners be wage earners?
If so, will you pool your income?
Each keep separate accounts? checking? savings?
Who will pay the bills?
How will you make major spending decisions?
How will credit cards be used?
Would you be willing to borrow money from your parents or your partner’s parents?
How much would you be willing to spend on each other? for family? on individual “free spending?”
Share equally the cost of living expenses and keep the remainder for yourselves?
CHILDREN:
Any?
If no kids desired, will one of you opt for surgery? If so, who?
If kids desired, how many? When? Adopt?
Who will take primary responsibility for raising the children?
Will one partner have to quit a job? take a sabbatical or maternity/paternity leave?
Would you consider day care? How much are you willing to spend? What are your criteria?
Do you agree on how to raise them?
In terms of discipline? religion? schooling? etc.
OTHER RELATIONSHIPS:
Are you and your partner free to continue former close relationships with others of the opposite sex? same sex? With former partners?
Are you and your partner free to make friendships/relationships with other people?
With those of the same sex?
With those of the opposite sex?
What is to be the extent of these relationships?
Do you include each other in these relationships?
Can you and your partner have lives outside your relationship (activities, etc.)?
How much do you trust your partner?
MISCELLANEOUS:
What do you believe to be your responsibility to your aging parents? Would you allow your widowed mother or father move in with you or would you put them in a home? Why/why not??
How will you deal with each other’s family for vacations and holidays?
Will you celebrate all holidays together and celebrate the same ones?
Will you take care of each other in case of hospitalization, severe illness, mental illness, mental incapacitation, old age, etc.?
Will you insist on marrying someone who shares your beliefs?
If yours is a mixed marriage, how will the religion of the children be handled?
Do you need to agree on each other’s basic life goals? Are they compatible?
How will you support each other emotionally?
Will you have ground rules for arguments? Why or why not?
Would you be willing to seek counseling if the relationship gets in trouble?
How much money would it be worth to you?
Do you both agree on how much effort is required to make a relationship a good, solid one?
Do you think friendship is a part of a marriage relationship? Why or why not?
Will you hide any financial assets/liabilities from your partner?
What do you know of each others’ sleeping, eating, cleaning habits?
What do you know of your partner’s family? Will you be able to make nice with them?
How will your retirement be handled?
How comfortable are you with your partner’s communication style?
What are your priorities regarding relationships? Do they match your partner’s?
How well do you know yourself?
Are you free to pass on a positive perspective to the next generation?
Is religion/spirituality a priority in your life? Are you and your partner spiritually compatible?
Do you have sexual standards you and your partner are expected to live up to?
Are you disciplined in emotional, behavioral, physical and spiritual matters? Do you have self-discipline? Does your partner?
Do you have healthy conflict resolution skills? your partner? How do you openly express pain, disagreement and anger and work toward a resolution?
Are you emotionally fulfilled or are you emotionally dependent? What fulfills and satisfies you in life besides your partner?
Are you and your partner emotionally compatible? How do your personality differences strengthen or weaken your relationship?
Do some people resist or criticize your relationship? How do the people who know you best respond to this relationship?
What would you do if you had children who were born with physical or mental difficulties?
***What areas of personal character and discipline do you need to develop? How will being together with this person help you grow in those areas of personal growth and discipline?
Lastly, will your decision to marry or live together be based on “falling in love,” economic security, compatibility, commitment to a shared life, because of an unplanned pregnancyor some combination of these things? Explain. Your response will be one predictor to whether or not your relationship will be successful.
answers by each column displaying the questions and answers beneath them
